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"Do you know what you're doing?""No. Why? Do you?"

Thoughts in the last 15 minutes (in no particular order):

* Gaining weight is yet another side effect of unemployment that no one warns you about.

I mean, really, I have done nothing all day long. The most strenuous activity that I participated in (besides my marathon laptop logging -- I got up to 5 hours in the exact same position today) was heaving the ingredients for chili into my crockpot. And then helping myself to a second bowl because I didnt want to "waste" the food.

For the first time since weve been married my husband looked at me sideways as I settled into the couch with a steaming heap of meat, cheese and sour cream (put some chocolate on this sucker and wed have ourselves a total food group pyramid).

"Wow honey" he said, just slightly raising one eyebrow over his own laptop screen "you must be really hungry today!"

Now, call me sensitive. Call me guilty consience, if you will. But my hackles went up in perfect time with his little eyebrow.

I stared at him icily. "Yes. It is hard work going through eighteen pages of pre-deployment checklist, getting everything ready so that you dont have to think about anything when you are over there except for coming home safely. Nevermind that Ill be here, fending for myself. And of course, youre welcome for that laptop that youre on - the one that took me a full day of research and a full hour on the phone with my best friends husband who is a computer specialist to find. The one with all the things you wanted and within the range of money you wanted to spend. Yes -- Im exhausted."

He didnt say anything after that. It could have been because I am a fabulous arguer, and incredibly ruthless with the facts. Of course, odd are that he had just stopped listening because I said more than three words and / or I wasnt flashing him a boob at that point.

* Crap -- its coming soon.

Yes, the big "D" is coming. And no, I dont mean divorce (but if I find that big bottle of lotion lying next to the computer one more time, we might be headed for that as well).

No, its every Army Wife's worst nightmare - deployment. And its headed our way sooner rather than later.

This is all far enough away that I can put it on the back burner and pretend that it isnt going to happen. Today I realized though, that its close enough to infringe on even our summer plans -- and that is a bit too close for comfort.

The hardest battle we fight is when we kiss our husbands goodbye.  Everything that happens at this point carries with it an extra weight.

Not the extra weight of a bowl of chili. But the extra weight of knowing that your days are numbered, and that someday in the very near future, you are going to be sitting there with an entire crock pot worth of meat, and no one to second guess your second helping.

It does make that eyebrow raise a little easier to take though. Because someday very soon I am going to sit on this very couch, look over at the seat he was in, and I am going to smile, remembering the day he almost dared to question my food choices.

And then I will cry. Because my very best friend is a million miles away, putting his life on the line. And there isnt a damn thing I can do about it.

Hopefully there is still some chili left. A third bowl sounds pretty good right now.